I am second

I'm having trouble expressing what I want to say so bear with me...

Reflecting on my past I realized I had absolutely no idea how lost I really was, I realized just how naive I really was and still am for that matter. I thought I knew God because I prayed to Him and He answered my prayers, I thought God was a majestic being who loved me and therefore would do what I needed when I thought I needed it. I was inadvertently using God as a genie, "your wish is my command." This was both before and after I became a Christian. This caused confusion and frustration when I didn't get what I wanted, " Why do I feel alone, why do I still feel lost after I found Christ, why is my live harder now?"


I soon realized after much study, prayer and talking with respected friends and family it was my fault I was feeling this way. I was using God instead of Him using me, ie: the genie. I hadn't completley died to Him though I thought I had. My selfish and wicked flesh was still in charge. After being challenged by my friend and pastor (he didn't know he challenged me, but he did) I took a long hard look at my heart and motives. Man was that humbling, I had to force down the walls of pride, self controll, and denial. I found that not only had I not completly died to Christ I had no ieda who He was; this was much more painful to find out. I realized this was a bigger deal then I previously knew. Once I accepted my faults and laid them at His feet He has been revieling more of Himself to me. He is showing me I can't have joy with out Him, He is letting me realize He is enough, He is it. I no longer have to search for love, I no longer have to search for fullfilment, I no longer have to search for peace, my journey is over. Just because my journey is over doesn't mean I have no room for growth or learning, it just means I know I'm not just here, I'm here for God's purpose . I was loved first, I am second.